Kissing equals Sex? Clearly a lack of Ramen
by I'maFrakkingViperJockey
Summary: AU. Highschool fic. GaaNaru. Naruto is about to find out how futile it is to be so innocent. Gaara is intent on claiming him. Lemon in later chapters.


**Chapter one –Kissing equals sex?**

**Author: Azarni-chan**

**Rating and warning: At the moment, M for language, sexual references and all round stupidity. Rating will go up with lemon in later chapters. Don't like, don't read. Constructive criticism welcome smile.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto (except my sand headband, wristband, wall scroll and two movies) and never will. It belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, whom I worship. **

Uzamaki Naruto was, in every sense of the word, completely and utterly innocent. As he made his way down the street with phone glued to his ear, he made a very pretty sight indeed. Until you heard him yelling incredulously.

"What do you mean, kissing?" He yelled into the phone, "That's too close to sex, Sasuke! _SEX!_ I haven't been kissing anyone!!"

Anyone listening closely enough would have heard the soft, "_Naruto, I only said it was about time you had your first kiss, not fuc-"_

"DON'T say it! Don't you dare!" The petite blonde screeched, free arm waving drastically, "Just because I've never been kissed doesn't mean I'm a virgin!"

There was a minute of silence on the other line.

Then, _"Naruto. What the hell."_

The little blonde laughed nervously before stammering, "I-I meant that I'm not innocent! Ahahaha…yeah. Oops."

… "_You're an idiot."_

"Trust _you _to say that, teme!"

"_Sigh. Baka. I was _trying _to say, before you began screeching at me like a Bain sidhe(1), that you should go and find someone, that's all."_

"Humph. Well, why don't _you _find someone then, smarty pants?!"

"_Naru?"_

"Yeah?"

"_Shut up."_

"No! No freakin' way! I'm _right _this time-"

"_For once."_

"-so there's no way I'm backing down!" The smaller boy railed right through his friend as if he had never spoken, "You're _always _right, teme-"

"_There you go, you just admitted __it."_

Pause. "Admitted what?"

"_That I'm right." _A chuckle,_ "So go on."_

"Go where now?" A puzzled expression crossed the blonde's face, "But…I'm going to the shops-"

"_No, dobe, I meant _find someone. _Shit, you're an idiot sometimes. Even more than usual."_

"…Teme! Hidoi! whine"

"_Dobe! You should pay more attention in school. You wouldn't even know what sex was if it wasn't for me and Neji telling you!"_

"Oh, yeah?! Well, if it wasn't for me, you…wouldn't be such a teme!"

"…_That made no sense."_

"Shut up!"

"_Dobe."_

"Teme!"

And so on, until the little blonde could be seen (and heard, due to his dirty mouth) slamming the phone shut whilst yelling emphatically about going shopping for ramen in peace. The people who lived on the street, which was Naruto's much-used ramen shopping route, sighed at another normal day with that screaming blonde kid storming past their houses.

---

Swinging his school bag off his shoulder and holding it by one strap, the fuming blonde stormed into the small parking lot situated out the front of the local supermarket, intent on buying his weekly store of ramen. His annoyed pout, however, turned into a loud whine upon reaching the doors.

"CLOSED?!" he shrieked, "How can you be closed?! It's _Monday!_"

Stomping his foot, he stalked off in a random direction, a long line of expletives shooting out of his mouth as he walked.

His feet seemed to be taking control of where he walked, so the furious Naruto let them take him along, content (probably the wrong word for this situation) on swearing his brains out. When he stopped, he found himself at the entrance of a park. Scowling (an expression that only made him appear cuter), he stomped up to a tree and leant against it, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Stupid lack of food and no ramen for a freakin week," he muttered darkly, "What the hell kind of place is this, anyway? Where a poor little Naruto can't even get his ramen? Huh?"

Heaving a sigh, he bit his lip, trying to remember if there was another supermarket in the immediate area. So intent on his thoughts was he, that when someone spoke he jumped nearly a foot into the air and let out an adorably ear-piercing squeal.

"N-nani?" he stuttered, turning slightly to see the person who had spoken.

"I said you looked awfully cute standing there like that." The stranger stated calmly, "Are you lost?"

"N-no," the blonde murmured, "I was buying some ramen, and the shop's closed. Stupid shop, stealing my food and…"

His sentence diminished into an incoherent jumble of curse words and dark mumbling.

"Uh…" the stranger chuckled at the scrunched up expression on the blonde's face, "Is it safe for a kid like you to know some of those phrases? You might blow someone's head off, spouting shit like that."

Naruto glared. Then gaped.

The boy in front of him was…a god (2). Soft, red hair fell in a messy fringe across his forehead, a tattoo of the kanji symbol for 'love' between the part. Porcelain, seductive features gave him the impression of being some kind of airbrushed model, and bright green eyes peered at him from inside thick layers of black kohl.

"Gack." Naruto said.

The read-head smirked, "Very artful."

"Uhh…" snapping out of his gaze, the blonde remembered the read-headed god's question and glared, "What do you mean, a kid like me?!"

The read-head raised a delicate eyebrow, "You are aware that you just pointed out the least important part of the sentence, right?"

"Just answer the question, pretty boy!"

Smirk. "Well, then, you think I'm pretty? To answer your question," he stepped in closer, placing his hands on either side of the blonde's head, "A 'kid like you' is a very…cute…moan fuckable young boy."

Naruto froze. _What the fuck is he doing? D-did he just say f-fuckable?! _

He squeaked when a knee slid in between his legs, and couldn't stop a moan escaping when the read-head began moving it, "Wh-what the hell are you doing?! Get off-"

His speech was halted when a soft pair of lips covered his own. Naruto promptly melted, lost in the feeling of utter disorientation and bliss when the other, older boy began moving his lips. The blonde's mouth involuntarily opened and he sagged into the other's embrace, whimpers becoming lost in the other boys' mouth.

Small hands reached up to push against the stranger's chest in a futile attempt to push the larger boy away, distressed moans leaving the blonde's lips even as pleasure gripped his body.

After a moment, the read-head seemed to get the picture, and stopped kissing him, stepping back and removing his knee from between the shaking blonde's legs. Naruto stood in a daze, eyes unfocused, completely unable to think. The only thing holding him up was the tree he was leaning against.

The read-head smirked playfully, "Mmm, you taste almost as good as you look. Name's Gaara. See you round, kid."

With that, he turned and stalked off, hands in the pockets of some very tight black jeans. Naruto, upon being released from the read-head's- Gaara's- hypnotic gaze, slid to the ground against the tree, schoolbag slumping to the ground, hands limply at his sides, and eyes glazed over as he stared at the space Gaara had just occupied.

_What…?_

---

When he got home, though it escaped him how he got there, Naruto closed his apartment door, threw his schoolbag in the direction of the small kitchen, and stumbled over to the couch, pulling his phone out of his pocket just as his legs gave way and deposited him on the couch with a thump.

Reaching out a shaking hand, he dialled his most-used number- Sasuke's. Slowly lifting his arm and placing the small mobile against his ear, Naruto waited in a bewildered daze, mouth halfway open in shock, for the ringing to stop and his friend to pick up.

"_Hello?"_

"Sa-suke…"

"_You have reached Uchiha Sasuke. I'm obviously not able to answer your call, or am simply ignoring it because I saw your name on caller i.d. and just don't like you. Don't bother leaving a message, unless you're Naruto, Shikamaru, Hinata or Neji." beep._

"Shit."

Snapping his phone shut, the blonde stood and wobbled his way into his bedroom, falling onto his bed without taking his clothes off, and allowed the first coherent thought since the read-head had talked to him.

_He…molested…me. Oh. My. God._

Then he passed out.

---

Morning found a group of five teenagers walking across to the school entrance, babbling away like all teenagers do. Among them were Naruto and the raven-haired Sasuke, who were the only two really talking. Shikamaru, a lazy, yet fit boy, ambled along in silence, head thrown slightly back, eyes following the clouds. Next to him, Hinata walked shyly, stammering in a comment every now and then- or trying to. Naruto's loud voice tended to rush right over her. The last one, Neji, walked next to the small blonde, hands in pockets, an amused twinkle in his pale eyes.

"But, Sasuke, he-" the blonde's voice succumbed to a whisper at the end of the sentence, "_molested me_."

"I heard, Naruto." Sasuke smirked, "I'm not deaf."

Hinata's eyes widened, "Who did _wh-what, _Nar-Naruto?"

Naruto turned, big, sad eyes on her, and whispered tragically, "Didn't Neji tell you? I went to get ramen the other day and some really freaky guy practically raped me!"

Hinata gaped, and Neji scowled at her gullibility to Naruto's idiocy.

"No, Hinata," he interjected, lightly whacking Naruto on the arm, who screeched as if he'd been thoroughly belted, "He wasn't raped. Some guy kissed him."

"Same thing!" Naruto cut in heatedly, pouting.

Sasuke sighed, "Naruto, it was a kiss. That doesn't mean he tried to have sex with you. Dobe."

"Shut UP, Mr. I'm going to put my answering machine on just so you can't call me!"

"Naruto, my voice mail was on anyway. I turned my phone off because I was busy."

"Busy what?! Paying that guy to rape me?"

"You really are an idiot."

"YOU ADMIT IT!"

"I admitted nothing."

Shikamaru sighed as they continued bickering and asked Neji if he wanted to go ahead. The two sauntered off in comfortable silence, not looking back at the two idiots yelling behind them.

"TEME!"

"Dobe."

"T-E-M-E!"

"Dobe!"

"You don't even care about me! Some friend you are!"

"I never said I was your friend, baka."

"Why'm I on your voice mail, then? Huh?!"

"Dobe."

"HIDOI BAKA TEME!"

Hinata shakily had to admit that the other two did an excellent job of pretending not to know Naruto when they needed to, and wished she was able to join them.

---

TBC

(1) _Bain Sidhe. _The correct spelling for the name of a Celtic faery-being. Pronounced 'ban shee'. It translates to 'woman of the Other'. The Bain Sidhe hollers her grief at the scene of a death.

(2) Gaara really is like a god, huh? I couldn't resist putting that in there. X3.

**A/N: So the end of chapter one has arrived. And I just managed to make that small feat sound epic. Gah. Anyhoo, thanks for reading, and I'll see you next time! Because I **_**can **_**see you, you know. Uhuh. I have little cameras planted in your house. Mwaha. Nyeh. Hope you enjoyed.**


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